Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Texas vs. 49 Slop Pails

"Texas does not, like any other region, simply have indigenous dishes. It proclaims them. It congratulates you, on your arrival, at having escaped from the slop pails of the other 49 states." -Alistair Cooke

For the above quote, Mr. Cooke has become my new hero. It's really too bad that NYC bodysnatchers stole his cold, dead bones. I guess he shouldn't have been buried in a slop pail!

If you ever find yourself doubting that Texas is the best state in the union (and should be its own country), may I offer you a true story to support my case? Just last night, when friends of mine and I had enough of our respective families for the Christmas season, we snuck out to a little dive bar called The Water Tank. Let's just say that the parking lot was jam packed at 9pm with other people who had also snuck away from their sugar-high home folks. Where else can you get free smoked turkey, free desserts, free sandwich fixins, and free pizza, along with $6.75 pitchers of domestic beer? The three of us were there for three hours and our tab wasn't even $14. Merry Christmas to us from Texas! We might be a little bit redneck here, but we have more fun. Hey--it's better than that slop pail ya'll are from!

Tune in next time for my review of the world-famous Coupland Inn & Dancehall.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Ten Things I Will Never Do.

Media Lizzy Tagged me for this, so here it goes.

Ten Things I Would Never Do...not in order of importance, but listed simply for effect.

10. Take myself too seriously.
9. Give up my guns. (Or my ammo.)
8. Marry a metrosexual.
7. Take my freedom or our protection for granted.
6. Campaign for someone I don't trust.
5. Turn my back on God or my family.
4. Appreciate the UN, the ACLU, the NEA, or the IRS.
3. Compromise my principles and ideals to stay in favor with a political party.
2. Give up on electing Alan Keyes for President.
1. Move back to California.

I don't know how to tag, so I won't. Take that!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Good News in Darfur

During this Christmas season, our prayers should be with our fellow Christian brothers and sisters in Sudan who are, and who have been for years, subject to death and torture by their Muslim enemies. Yes, George Clooney and the chic Hollywood elite are right: if ever there was an appropriate job for the United Nations, saving Darfur is a textbook case. So I invite Mr. Clooney to step up to the plate as an Ambassador. (Perhaps he can take a page from Angie Jolie’s book.) It will be a shame, however, to watch him beat his handsome head against the wall while trying to get the U.N. to do something... anything. If the persistent and capable John Bolton couldn’t please our political experts in Hollywood, I invite someone...anyone to try to fill his shoes.

So what is the good news, you might be wondering, about Darfur? Well, for all of you Blackhawk Down fans, you can look forward to Sudan inspiring an equally frustrating sequel. Blackhawk Down II will be based on the UN’s (pending) resolution to send American troops into a turbulent, hopelessly violent region to work miracles while they are simultaneously abandoned with no support from the folks who voted them into the mess in the first place. Here’s the movie plot in a nutshell. The UN will try to establish peacekeeping operations in Darfur but will screw up everything. The US military will bail them out, as always; UN Peacekeeping missions are never effective, you see. The cliffhanger question is, will our guys be handcuffed with restrictions that spell failure in the same way as in past dealings with the UN? Watch Blackhawk Down II and find out for yourself.

(Hint: The sexy "Save Darfur" slogan can then be swapped out for "USA Can Crash and Burn", with our dear friends in China leading the chants.)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

In-flight Kool-Aid

Well, I can't say that I have flown anywhere since the band of merry Kool-Aid drinkers tried to blow up several trans-Atlantic airliners with their bottled concoctions, so I am not sure what niceties will await me in the Austin airport security line today. I am fairly sure that if I show up barefoot, extremely dehydrated, and wearing a 1980s leotard they will assume that I am not hiding explosives somewhere on my person and that I haven't consumed any Kool-Aid since the day I bought the leotard. I am positive that my ensemble will earn me some extra VIP treatment, at the very least.

I am looking forward to spending some time in Dallas, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Boise in the next week. Rumor has it that at least two of those places are covered in snow, so when you see a snow angel I hope you think of me. (I probably paid some kid five bucks to abandon his Playstation for a few minutes and go outside to make angels.)

Now, where did I put that leotard...?