Sunday, February 27, 2011

Deride Those Shams and Their Kindred Swindles!

On writers...

“Ours is a useful trade, a worthy calling. With all its lightness and frivolity, it has one serious purpose, one aim, one specialty--and it is constant to it: the deriding of shams, the exposure of pretentious falsities, the laughing of stupid superstitions out of existence. And that whoso is by instinct engaged in this sort of warfare is the natural enemy of royalties, nobilities, privileges and all kindred swindles, and the natural friend of human rights and human liberties.” - Mark Twain

Thank you, Mr. Clemens, for my marching orders.

The rest of you please read his subtext and derive your own marching orders. May they be along the lines of "End the Fed" or some other scam group with governmental bedfellows. If you are successful, let me know and I will gladly write about it. I am targeting a specific Agency at the moment. If I am met with success, another illegitimate Agency is also in my sights.

Comment Season is now open for your amusement. There is no limit and you do not need a permit. Carry on.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Beans Can Teach Us A Lot About National Security

Today I as much as committed a Texas crime. I microwaved beans. Oh, the horror! I probably will never do it again, and I am sorry, but I did learn something important.

At the end of the first minute, the bean sauce was simmering so I assumed they were all sufficiently heated. Not so. The beans in the middle were still refrigerator cold. I stirred the pot and returned it to the nuker for the remaining 45 seconds, turning my attention to the raisin muffin in the toaster. Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by an explosion. Pop! Bang! Boom! My catlike reflexes sprang for the OFF button with a mere seven seconds left on the nuked bean countdown.

Fortunately I intervened before any more beans lost their lives. Then, I surveyed the damage. The remains of one bean sprawled on top of the others. It was more like bean skin, to be honest. The rest of him was splattered all over the microwave.

"Isn't that funny," I thought, "One rogue bean just went and ruined it for the rest of them--" but I cut myself off midstream. "No. Strike that. The existence of one rogue suicide bean does not mean the other thousands of beans in the pot can't fulfill their purposes in life. I will not institute mental wellness checks on future beans. I won't inspect them before they jump into my pan. They should be free to do what it is that beans do and if another bean blows his top, I'll just clean him up, too. One crazy brown bean should not change the way all other beans live their lives."

Point to Ponder:

Don't you wish that instead of subjecting our nation's children to enhanced patdowns by creeps in smurf outfits who touch their victims' private parts and teach them about guilty-until-proven-innocent compliance to anyone wearing a uniform, we were all free to move about the country armed with the knowledge (and whatever else we want to carry in our defense) that there is a better chance of us being struck by lightning than having to clean up a mess caused by one rogue brown bean? Or that there is a much better chance of getting cancer from the naked radiation scanners than dying in a plane crash? Don't you wish that Someone would stop Them from doing all of this to Us? ...But Who?

Joke of the Day:

What's the difference between The Smurfs and TSA Agents?

Answer: The Smurfs had a boss who wore red pants. The TSA has a boss that wears no pants.

The Emperor has no clothes, y'all, and neither do you.

(But that's okay. I hear that armor fits better when you're not wearing much underneath. ...YOU that's Who! Stop Them!)